I read a passage where You Benchang's daughter, You Sihan, spoke about her father's passing. She said that in his last two or three days he chose not to eat or drink, and the family didn't force-feed him or rush him to the hospital for resuscitation β they simply hoped he could leave "in a place that felt familiar and safe." You Benchang passed peacefully, and his last words were: "I'm very comfortable."
Reading that, I thought of my father-in-law.
He was in his nineties, and he passed during Spring Festival.
The caregiver had gone back to her hometown for the holiday, so the few of us looked after him those days. He hadn't wanted to eat for a long time β every time we brought food over, he'd take a bite or two, then shake his head at more. That morning, we'd already packed his things, planning to take him to the hospital for a stay.
After helping him bathe, he lay on the bed β and quietly passed.
Afterward I couldn't stop thinking: if we'd gone to the hospital earlier, if he'd been given a feeding tube, would he still be here? That thought stuck like a thorn, and every time it slipped out, the family fell silent.
But reading You Sihan's account, I suddenly felt some relief.
Looking into it later, I learned that loss of appetite before death is actually the body naturally "slowing down." Dr. Liu Xiaohong of the Geriatrics Department at Peking Union Medical College Hospital says that when an elderly person stops eating and drinking before death, a key reason is that overall body function is declining and the digestive system can no longer work effectively. In the dying phase, catecholamines suppress appetite, muscles progressively break down, and the body's energy needs themselves are dropping.
And tube feeding may not be the "life-extending" fix we imagine. Studies show tube feeding doesn't significantly improve survival or mortality for terminal patients. On the contrary, it can cause nasal pressure sores, esophageal injury, and repeated intubation leading to stomach-wall bleeding. Some literature states outright that this kind of feeding isn't for the patient's benefit β it's to relieve the anxiety of caregivers and family.
You Benchang's family did something very hard β they chose not to disturb. You Sihan said: "Try not to disturb his exit," and "giving him respect, cooperation, and freedom is the greatest love we can give him."
My father-in-law left quietly. Bathed, lying cleanly on the bed β no tube, no resuscitation. He left at home, in a familiar place, peacefully. That morning his things were packed, ready for the hospital, but his body made a different choice for him.
"Enough β let me rest." Understood. Then gently, let go.